UKIP: “Shag a man… stop a hosepipe ban”

This week saw the world of metrology shaken to its very core. Having spent hundreds of years and millions of pounds developing long range forecasts and computerised climate models, it turns out that every meteorologist in history has simply been wasting their own time.

You see, after all that effort, it looks like rainfall has nothing to do with meteorology. In fact, we can now confirm with certainty that the weather is little more than the vengeful act of a homophobic deity. Yes, it turns out that the universe’s creator uses rainfall to punish people who indulge in the very in-built sexual preferences he decided to design.

That’s according to David Silvester anyway, a god-fearing homophobe traditionalist who was recently sacked from the UKIP council. How someone gets sacked from UKIP I have no idea.  I almost feel sorry for him; being thrown out of UKIP for extremism is the equivalent of being dumped by the elephant man. You’ll never live it down.

Still, it’s all well and good assuming he’s a homophobe, but has anyone actually put in the man hours to prove him wrong? Having spent a good ten minutes researching on Bing, I’m yet to find any hard evidence to disprove his hypothesis. It’s almost as though conjecture about God can’t be falsified!

Based on this extensive research, I think it’s safe to assume that Mr Silvester’s homophobic enlightened views are accurate. If this is the case, then the potential ramifications for humanity are extraordinary.

If rainfall is directly correlated to homosexuality, then by extension of that flawless logic, a lack of rainfall must surely be the result of an over-abundance of heterosexuality. It would certainly explain why religious areas such as Arizona are always so dry.

The beneficial implications of such a discovery cannot be overstated. By manipulating the degree of heterosexuality, the human race will finally be able to defeat droughts and famine. Forget building a well in Africa, let’s build a YMCA!

It may even prove useful closer to home… The plants need watering? Not to worry, just pop on an Alan Carr dvd, that should do the trick. With such immense power over the elements we may never suffer a water shortage again. I can see the Thames Water billboard now – “Shag a man… stop a hosepipe ban”.

And all this thanks to David Silvester. His vision. His legacy. I’m sure it’s what he would have wanted…

Alex Warren
Alex Warren
Miserablist, whiskey-drinker, and general tinpot shambles. Alex Warren has a weary pessimism for all things media, politics and tech.