Black and White and Dead All Over

Pandas: they’re cute, they’re cuddly, but they’re fundamentally useless.

In purely evolutionary terms, Pandas probably shouldn’t exist. They are essentially a genetic square wheel – a biological playdough butt plug – with all the life force and passion of a kebab house toilet attendant. Suffice to say, I’m not their biggest fan.

To my mind, all species have the opportunity to flourish. They simply need to fight for survival or attempt to breed at a pace that exceeds their continuous annihilation. Unfortunately, Pandas stubbornly refuse to do either of these things. They just sit there. Looking bored and waiting to die. If anything they remind me a little of me.

Even the WWF has been forced to admit that they no longer hold any real ecological value

At this point a lot of people will be thinking that I’m being a bit harsh on the pandas. Obviously it’s not all their fault; we humans have definitely played our part in the destruction of both their lives and their natural habitats. Having said that however, I still can’t help but wonder whether they would have eventually stumbled into annihilation entirely of their own volition. If anything, our role in the process seems to be little more than providing a lemming with directions to the nearest cliff.

Understandably, this is probably starting to sound like the ravings of a panda-hating lunatic. Still, I’m not alone in my views. Even staunch conservationists such as Chris Packham, the tree hugging, fox bothering presenter of SpringWatch have started to wonder if we shouldn’t just pull the black and white plug. Pandas just aren’t cut out for this mortal realm; they simply don’t want to be here.

Not only will a panda refuse to breed, it will also insist on eating fistfuls of razor sharp bamboo, often tearing its own stomach wall and slowly bleeding to death. Useless!

The only thing worse than the pandas’ complete inability to live, is the fact that we pay £6,000,000 a year just to keep them from dying. As such, not only are they pointless creatures, they’re scroungers on society as well! What a bunch of fluffy-pawed benefit cheat bastards!

Putting the pandas’ innate stinginess aside for a minute, the truth of the matter is that compared to the majority of endangered animals, pandas really don’t add much to the wider ecosystem. Due to their limited numbers (there are only 1000 Giant Pandas left in existence) people often make the mistake of assuming that pandas should be given priority over other species. Sadly however, that’s not how conservation is supposed to work. When deciding which animals most need our support we should be examining how important they are in terms of the surrounding ecosystem. The question shouldn’t be how long until they disappear, but rather, if they were to disappear, how many other animals would disappear with them? From this perspective, it is often the animals that are verging on extinction that are the least valuable to save.

With so few Pandas left, even the WWF has been forced to admit that they no longer hold any real ecological value. If anything, the non-profit is now just using the pandas’ presence as an excuse to halt further deforestation and save the lives of more important species that happen to live in the same area. Well, that and the WWF doesn’t want to pay out for a new logo.

So there you have it. Pandas are lifeless, useless, money grabbing imbeciles. At this point the kindest thing we can do for them is take them out back and humanely shoot them repeatedly in the face. It’s the only way.

Alex Warren
Alex Warren
Miserablist, whiskey-drinker, and general tinpot shambles. Alex Warren has a weary pessimism for all things media, politics and tech.